Best Amazon product review ever!

dnaRIP

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Ok, so this is the product:

e1j8Rjx.jpg


Here is the review:

http://www.amazon.com/review/R172KP7FLECF9Q/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R172KP7FLECF9Q

"This shirt has changed the entire way I do business. People look at me different and my street cred is off the charts. I hope that one day I can work up to the tiger. I'm not there yet.

Update 1: Okay, last weekend I wore this shirt to a high-stakes Hold'em tournament. I walked in, the music stopped, everyone threw their money at me and left. As I said, changed the entire way I do business. Believe it Jack!

Update 2: Wow. Good things, they are a happenin' to the guy wearing this shirt. Buy it!
Went to a bar over the weekend wearing my kitten face shirt (without skinny jeans, of course). When I walked in the music stopped. All eyes veered in my direction. The bartender brought me a Bud, free, and suddenly I was surrounded by women. Just like in a beer commercial. That Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World guy be damned. It doesn't take a keen intellect, a Paul Bunyan beard, and dangerous exploits to get the girl (or in my case, girls). You just need this shirt. That's a fact. Twenty bucks. Changes. Your life.
I can see a tiger shirt on the horizon.

Update 3: I know, right? By now you realize this shirt is magic. Must have been woven by elves.
Warning: Guys, if you're on T, go off now and wear this shirt. My T, when wearing the shirt, is that of a professional tuffguy. You'll easily best Chuck Norris in a fistfight wearing the shirt (Do not pick a fight with Chuck Norris without wearing this shirt. See Mount St. Helens for reference as to what happens if you decide to tussle with Chuck without wearing your Kitten Face. Just sayin', don't say I did not warn you!$). I do not insult Chuck lightly either. It's just a fact, Jack! Buy. This. Shirt. You'll be served spilling flagons of ale by Valkyries while karate fighting Thor in the dining room of Valhalla. Seriously.

Update 4: Okay, before anyone gets hurt: DO NOT wear this shirt next to anyone wearing a Three Wolf, One Moon shirt! The only way I can describe it is using a scene from Family Guy, where Peter fights the chicken (if you haven't seen it, YouTube it). All's I can say is that it took three weeks in the IU to heal my body from the awesomely epic battle. Don't say I didn't warn you. All I'm sayin'.

Update 5: Well, I was thinking that I'm ready for a Tiger Face shirt. Not so much now, I still am coming to grips with the awesomeness that is the Kitten Face. Here's a bit of sage advice: if you can't handle a Chevette, what makes you think you can handle a Corvette? I think it was Peter Parker or Hulk Hogan that said: "With great power, comes great responsibility." That's true with this shirt."
 
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YamiNoTenshi

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Re:Re: Best Amazon product review ever!

I bought 3 with matching underwear so I get a tail.
 

Juggernaut

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Re:Re: Best Amazon product review ever!

This review had me in tears.

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme review

V9JJggG.jpg


"After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)"

another review from the same product

"I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars."
 
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Moloha

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You wont be able to breathe by the end of this review!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Shades-Grey-E-James/dp/0099579936/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top



fifty+shades+of+grey.png


Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties
"Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite obviously deranged. This does not however, deter Ana, who for some inexplicable reason, has spent so long with her head in a book that she has never looked in a mirror and noticed that she is a "total babe". A "total babe" who also happens to be a 21 year old virgin. No, Ana, in the space of 3 weeks, falls so crazily in love with "Mr Grey" that she manages to bypass the whole deranged thing and instead concentrates all her efforts on a) going from virgin to porn star faster than Hussain Bolt off the blocks and b) deciding whether to let him hit her with stuff. As you do.

As for Mr Grey, obviously, readers can't be allowed to see him as simply a deranged, manipulative psycho so let's give him smouldering good looks, a few zillion quid to throw around and hey, and this is the clincher, the ability to love art and music (y'know, like Nazi's do in the war films). (Note - the bit where he plays the "haunting" piano piece, semi naked, with his eyes closed actually made me laugh so much that I almost wet myself - in a non-orgasmic way. Check it out....enjoy! ). As if that wasn't enough he also has a personal and financial interest in saving the world from famine. Just that old world peace and cancer to sort out and then hey, job's a good `un. I mean really, how did the world ever shamble along without him? So what made this beautiful, charismatic and talented man so brutal? Could it be a traumatic childhood perhaps? Why, yes I think it could...yaaaaawn....

So, the 2 beautiful people come together (Oh my, another pun) and the rest of the book is basically about Ana wondering if she should let him hit her with stuff and then letting him hit her with stuff and Mr Grey wondering if he should stop hitting her with stuff but still hitting her with stuff while she whines on about wanting "more" love and less of the hitting stuff and he whines on about how he doesn't know how to give "more" cos he has only ever hit people with stuff.

In between these nonsensical blatherings they have lots of sex, which, like piano playing, speaking foreign languages and making zillions of quid, he possesses boundless expertise. Obviously. Luckily, virginal Ana also has her "inner Goddess" to guide her on the art of sex play and soon becomes an orgasm machine, chucking them out all over the place in a rampant, fevered haze of lust. So much so that she overlooks Mr Grey's general bastardry and bends over nicely for a few beatings. She is also too enraptured to take much notice his incessant stalking, which would have got lesser men arrested. Oh, and his `feeder' tendencies that, if successful, would have surely added a good 10 stone onto Ana's lovely buttocks which in turn would have incurred the cost of a refurb' to the `red room of pain' when his ceiling shackles needed reinforcing. Luckily he can afford it.

As many other readers have noted, the writing is appallingly poor and, if you removed the sex bits, would resemble a love struck teenager's diary. It's all been said before so I won't dwell on it. I will just say, if you are looking for erotic fiction, look elsewhere, if you are looking for an unintentionally laugh out loud bit of fluff and nonsense then crack open a bottle, put your feet up and prepare to be amused. Personally I would just say that there goes a day of my life that I will never get back. Oh my!"
 

Bisher

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There are tons of reviews like this on wolf shirts too, one claiming it cured aids.
 

Juggernaut

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Re:Re: Best Amazon product review ever!

This review had me in tears.

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme review

V9JJggG.jpg




another review from the same product

That review just gets better and better :D

DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
 
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