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Murphy law's for computer's

Juggernaut

Interwebs Mechanic
Staff member
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Jul 20, 2006
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Ireland, Galway
#1
Murphy's laws for computers

1. Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.

2. The best way past a pesky security feature is a 13-year-old.

3. No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months.

4. If you're in a hurry, your computer will crash, a hard drive will become corrupted, or your files will be erased.

5. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

6. You'll always receive an e-mail from a web site that you never visit before.

7. The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours.

8. 'Illegal Error' messages only happen when you forget to save your work

9. The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it won't run.

10. The boss will always come to your workspace when you accidentally open an adult link

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11. The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus

12. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

13. If it works, it's production. If it doesn't, it's a test.

14. The most ominous words for those using computers: "Daddy, what does 'Now formatting Drive C mean'?"

15. The faster you need a hardcopy, the more people will be using the only office printer.

16. The most frightening of viruses is the virus you do not know is already there.

17. Proof-read all e-mails three or four times before sending it. All errors are detected immediately after being sent

18. E-mailed tasking will always come just before you log off.

19. A computer is only as smart as the person using it

20. Software does not fail when the technician is in the room.

21. As soon as you download a big file, your computer with shut down

22. There is an inverse relationship between an organization's hierarchy and its understanding of computers.

23. The more pop-up screens you have, the more likely the boss will come by

24. A virus will be erased when the hard drive crashes, making it useless for antivirus program to fix it.

25. No matter what problem you have with your computer - Its Always Microsoft's fault. Corollary: If its not their fault - Blame them anyway :)

26. By the time you learn your new computer you'll need a new one.

27. Computers let you waste time efficiently

28. The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is.

29. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

30. Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, "Watch this!"

31. A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs.

32. The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.

33. Whenever you need a crucial file from the server, the network will be down.

34. A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection

35. A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

36. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

37. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

38. When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user

39. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

40. You will always discover errors in your work after you have printed/submitted it.

41. 90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.

42. When the Downloading Window says "99%complete", there will be a fluctuation in the voltage and you'll have to start all over again.

43. Whenever you install a group of plugins one by one just to find out which one can make your software work, you either haven't gotten the right one, or have accidentally skipped the right one or it has become the last one installed.

44. Auto Correct - isn't

45. Microsoft excel- doesn't. If you need to shut down your PC ASAP, It will restart.

46. No matter how big a hard drive you buy, you'll need to double it in a year.

47. Complete computer breakdown will happen shortly after the maintenance person has left.

48. A program that compile on the first run has an error in the algorithm. The smaller the size of your email account, the more junk mail you will get

49. If it ain't broke, Overclock it!

50. Investment in software reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors.

51. Computer sadism: When the computer causes physical or mental damage to a person and can't receive such a return favor (due to management rules).

52. Computer masochism: When a computer takes all the abuse you think you can give it and continues working as it should.

53. Antivirus systems only effectively work on a virus after given virus has passed its prime.

54. You only receive instant messaging, when working on a project that's due instantly

55. The smallest problems will immediately be brought to the attention of the CEO, but the big problems will be ignored until the affected system goes down.

56. Computers never work the way they are supposed to. Especially when nothing is wrong with them.

57. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

58. A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.

59. A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.

60. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

61. The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

62. No matter how many resources you have it is never enough.

63. When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.

64. Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.

65. If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.

66. If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.

67. No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.

68. All components become obsolete.

69. The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.

70. The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

71. Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.

72. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

73. A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.

74. The best way to see your boss is to access the Internet. Or... No matter how hard you work, the boss will only appear when you access the Internet.

75. Computers don't make errors-What they do they do on purpose.

76. Profanity is one language all computer users know.

77. The number of bugs always exceeds the number of lines found in a program. Every non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

78. Every non-trivial program can be simplified by at least one line of code.

79. An expert is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.

80. For any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version appears.

81. Most computer errors can be attributed to a similar problem - a screw loose behind the keyboard.

82. A quarantined virus - will be opened.

83. A chain letter - will be sent. To global. A dozen times.

84. The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does.

85. The probability of forgetting your password is directly proportional to the frequency of changing it.

86. Failure is not an option, it's included with the software.

87. A program is good when it's bug free - which is impossible.

88. If you forget to save your work every 5 minutes, it will break down after you've been at it for an hour.

89. It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.

90. The only thing worse than an end-user without a clue is an end-user who has a clue - usually the wrong one.

91. The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching.

92. An employee rank is in inverse proportion to his use of a computer, and in proportion to its performance.

93. Non Crash Operating System aren't.

94. The worst bugs in your program will show up only during the final review.

95. Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

96. Format C: fixes all

97. Make a system even a moron can use and a moron will use it.

98. The longer the e-mail, the greater the chance it will not make it to its destination, for whatever reason

99. If you were preventive enough to save a copy of anything, you will not need it. Therefore - Not saving a copy of anything is directly proportional to the value of the information lost and the amount of time invested in gathering and typing it

100. Good enough - isn't, unless there is a deadline.